House Passes $2.2-Trillion Spending Plan to Pay for Another Investigation Into President

The House approved a $2.2-trillion spending plan to pay for another investigation into the President, led by Nancy Pelosi and Adam Shiff. The investigation is expected to look into the ambiguous charge that the President reacted slowly to the COVID19 crisis. Pelosi and Shiff are expected to find that at the beginning of the crisis, […]

Media Criticizes Samaritan’s Purse for Helping, Praises LGBT Groups for Keeping 6 Feet Away From Anyone Who Needs Help

The US media is criticizing the hateful, bigoted, intolerant, anti-help group commonly known as “Samaritan’s Purse” for taking extreme measures to care for anyone infected with COVID19, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, religion, background, or sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the media praises the tolerant LGBT groups who are boycotting the religious organization’s selflessness for keeping away […]

China Reports Negative Number of New COVID19 Cases

After a few days of no new reported cases, China has officially released a negative number of new coronavirus cases. As such, the total number of cumulative cases reported in China is officially decreasing. The US media is praising the Chinese for their efforts to combat the virus. It’s expected that China will reduce their […]

Congress Adopts Policy to Listen to ‘Same Old Song and Dance’ in Lieu of Debate andDiscussion

Congress has adopted a new policy to improve efficiency. In lieu of daily speeches, debates, and discussion, it was unanimously agreed that Aerosmith’s hit song, ‘Same Old Song and Dance’, will be played for 10 hours straight, before any vote is held. It is expected that besides that one change, it will be business as […]

YouTube Celebrities Fear Their Videos Going Viral Because of Coronavirus Pandemic

THE INTERNET—The continual spread of coronavirus has resulted in a growing concern for many YouTube celebrities, for fear of catching the viral infection. “I used to, like, want to go viral and stuff,” said one 32 year-old YouTube superstar. “But, like, since I still live with my mom and stuff, and she’s like, super old—seriously […]

U.S. Media Outlets Form the United States Society of Reporters (USSR) to Fight Trump

THE UNITED STATES—Media outlets and reporters across the nation have formed a new group to combat Donald Trump and the Republican ideology pandemic, the United States Society of Reporters, or USSR for short. With the presidential election just months away, the United States media has been scrambling to figure out how to get Donald Trump […]

ABCmouse.com Crashes From Parents Trying to Teach Their High-School Children From Home

THE INTERNET – Yesterday the popular online educational company, ABCmouse.com, crashed from being overloaded by parents who are struggling to keep up with their child’s education while schools are closed. One such parent, Jim Staples, found ABCmouse after he couldn’t define an adverb, explain fractions, or date the War of 1812. “I had to Google […]

Planned Parenthood Takes Action Against Coronavirus so They Can Keep Killing Children

As COVID-19 continues to rapidly spread in America, Planned Parenthood has released a statement explaining the steps that they’re going to take to battle the novel coronavirus. This statement comes after many days of concerns expressed by the public who are afraid of contracting the coronavirus while getting an abortion. The concerns have been so […]

University of Virginia Cancels 21-Gun Salute Because “Honoring Veterans Encourages Gun Violence”

The University of Virginia cancelled their Veteran’s Day 21-gun salute, usually performed by the university’s ROTC group because an anonymous student complained. According to a statement released by the president of the university: The university in no way condones gun violence. We understand that our veterans used guns and even gave their lives for our […]