After weeks of careful study in a laboratory by the world’s best health care experts, the Center for Disease Control has discovered some previously unknown symptoms caused by the novel coronavirus: Hysteria and Selfishness.
The CDC remains puzzled as to why these symptoms manifest in individuals who show no other signs of the disease. At this time,they believe that these symptoms may be from a new strand of the virus, which they are calling PANIK-20, that attacks the brain and the nervous system and is transmitted strictly through reading and hearing about COVID-19.
The CDC believes all individuals who are affected by this new strand of the virus will fully recover and will not need to seek medical attention.
If you think you might have been infected by PANIK-20, ask the following questions.
- Do you want to buy all the toilet paper in your city?
- Are you buying more food that you’ll need to survive for 10 months?
- Have you recently purchased SPAM?
- Are you stealing food out of other people’s shopping carts?
- Are you stock-piling items that you’ve never purchased before (like hand soap, hand-sanitizer, and other hygiene products)?
- Is hoarding food more important to you than someone else starving?
If you’ve answered “Yes” to any of the above symptoms, the CDC recommends that you take the following stems immediately to protect yourself and those around you:
- Stay Home – Even though you want to go to the store (again), you’re a risk to the general public. Other people need toilet paper too.
- Practice Social-Media Distancing – if you’re on a social-media platform that has 10 or more users, sign off immediately. It’s recommended that you stay logged out for at least 30 days.
- Have a Cup of Flavored Tea to Relax You – it was the only thing on the shelf when you went to the store yesterday, and we know you bought it.
- Read a Book – a recommendation is How to Win Over Worry by John Edmund Haggai. Since you’ve never read a book before, this should last you the entire 30 days.
- Donate Some of the Food that You Bought – people need that food, and let’s face it – you’ve never eaten a single can of canned tuna before, so you don’t need 94 cans of it now.