Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren revealed her health-care-for-all plan last week. According to the plan, it is estimated to cost “a meager fifty-four billion dollars” without raising any taxes. To pay for this cost, Warren “plans on utilizing the skills that many magical and fairy tale creatures possess and typically use to exploit children and circumvent the U.S. economy.”
“Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are two prime examples,” Warren explains. “Santa Claus spends the entire year building the most popular toys for children of all ages and then gives them away for nothing! The Easter Bunny does the same with candy. This is detrimental to our economy.”
Her plan states that “Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc. shall be found and forced to use their abilities for the government, or else spend the rest of their immortal lives in jail. The products they produce shall then be sold and distributed by the government and its entities.” These funds would then be used to pay for medical care.
“And it isn’t just Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny that we’re after. We’re going to need all magical and fairy-tale characters to be able to pay for this plan. We’re also going to be looking for the Tooth Fairy, Harry Potter, and the Leprechaun.”
Warren then recounted the many years she spent in her youth looking for the Leprechaun’s coveted pot of gold.
“Sometimes our whole tribe would pack up our teepees, put on our feather headdresses and moccasins, and walk for days looking for the end of that rainbow,” she recounted with a smile. “If we can finally bring him in, we wouldn’t ever have to worry about the cost of this plan.” She has already had the Notre Dame mascot arrested and released on bail twice. “Don’t dress up like him,” she shrugged.
When asked if she explored any different avenues to pay for this plan, she said, “Of course! We looked at many, but I’ll mention the two closest runner ups. First, we considered heavily taxing American corporations. But then we realized that they’d all leave! It’s not the government’s fault that every other country has better tax laws than America.
“Second, we considered paying for it by using Zimbabwean currency. After all, they have trillion-dollar bills in huge supply. If we could just get our hands on a few of those then it’d be paid for. But, after a lot of thought and discussion, many economists said that destroy the value of Zimbabwe’s currency. And we wouldn’t want to mess up their economy.
“So we decided that using the fairy-tale creatures would be the most realistic avenue.”
When asked about her plan, the elusive Leprechaun simply said, “Go Irish!”
Santa Claus wasn’t able to be reached for comment.