Internet Companies Unite to Fight COVID-19

SILICON VALLEY, CA. – Internet and malware companies have decided to be proactive about fighting the COVID-19 outbreak through a few different methods. At a meeting held yesterday, with many of the largest internet and software in attendance, it was unanimously decided that the best way they can slow or stop the spread of the disease was by doing what they do best – fighting against cyber-threats and censoring speech. Among the companies in attendance were super-giants Google, Yahoo, and Norton.

In Google’s statement during the meeting, the company’s representative said, “The virus is transmitted fasted through speech. This is a fact. The best thing we can do to stop the spread of the virus is to stop the speech about the virus. If people cannot talk, they cannot spread. This is common sense, people.”

Yahoo continued Google’s sentiments: “We know that this virus can be spread quickly face-to-face with an infected person. But let’s face it – viruses spread quicker through cyberspace than they could ever spread through contact. We have to stop the spread of this, and we have to stop it now.

Within an hour, many websites had stopped their users from posting anything related to the virus.

During the meeting, an Anti-Virus Task Force was formed, which Norton was selected to lead. When asked about this task force, Norton said, “We’re really ramping up our efforts to stop the spread. We’re coming up with new code to identify, attack, and remove the virus from all who are currently infected. Identifying and fighting viruses is what we do.” They also recommended making sure that you check for software updates for all of your anti-virus and spyware programs, as they will be releasing new updates as soon as they become available.

The group also came up with the following everyday recommendations for internet users:

  • Limit your time on the computer – more exposure means you’re more likely to become infected.
  • Stay off of risky websites – some examples are: WebMD, the World Health Organization, and the Center for Disease Control – the virus is the only thing that these websites are talking about right now, which increases your risk of contracting the disease.
  • Upgrade your programs to the more expensive version – most of these virus-killing updates will only be available for an extra $99.99 a year.
  • Invest in internet-company stocks – combating a world-wide outbreak takes a lot of resources, but they’re necessary to keep you safe and healthy.

Bill Gates was unable to attend. He’s self-quarantined on a private island, laughing at people who have to work for a living.

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