THE UNITED STATES—Media outlets and reporters across the nation have formed a new group to combat Donald Trump and the Republican ideology pandemic, the United States Society of Reporters, or USSR for short.
With the presidential election just months away, the United States media has been scrambling to figure out how to get Donald Trump out of the White House. Despite using the best tactics known to modern journalism, nothing has seemed to work. After 3 years of reporting how big of a meany head the President is, they are baffled that he is so popular with the people. They’re also confused how their accurate, unbiased reporting can result in fewer people watching their networks and reading their newspapers.
They’re equally confused at how people can still be Republicans in modern America. One CNN reporter said, “We just don’t understand how anyone could be as stupid, horrible, selfish, racist, sexist, and hypocritical as a Republican. Republicans are old, rich, white men who want to elect an old, rich, white man. Democrats are beyond that. They want a President who is female, LGBTQ, or a person of color. And I’ve never met a single Democrat who was a hypocrite.”
Even the top two Democratic presidential nominees, Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, agree that the last thing the White House needs is an old, rich, straight, white guy.
With time running out, reporters are desperate to find a way to get the public to not elect Donald Trump for a second term. “If I have 4 more years of economic prosperity, I think I’m going to throw up,” said a reporter from MSNBC. “Thank goodness the coronavirus came to ruin the economy. I don’t know what we would have done if we continued to have record-breaking growth.”
The objectives of the USSR are simple:
- To get a Democrat elected as President.
- To keep a Democrat as President.
- To maintain objectives 1 and 2 at all costs.
A spokesman from the USSR explained, “This may sound like Socialism, but it’s not. All we want to do is put a single party in power and control speech so it will always stay that way. That’s clearly different than Socialism.”